


careful hands

by concreteskies



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Fix It Fic, when will lena luthor get all the hugs she deserves pls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 12:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13524132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concreteskies/pseuds/concreteskies
Summary: A fix-it fic of sorts for 3x12.OrThe 4 hugs we were deprived of during the episode.





	careful hands

_Wrists get tired rewriting futures._  
_Our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit._  
 _We are creatures of habit._  
  
_Only with careful hands_  
 _We'll turn their fangs into feathers and cures._  
 _Only with careful hands_  
 _We'll divide the prisoner_  
 _From the pioneer._

_\- Sleeping at Last // careful hands_

 

* * *

 

 

“Great, I feel better,” she hears herself saying. Her tone is cold, hollow and she sounds so much like her mother, she shakes with it. She is dimly aware of the way her nails are digging into her skin, is dimly aware of the fact that her teeth are cutting into her lips. The room feels like it’s spinning, and there is that familiar weight on her chest again, steals her breath, turns her to stone. Because she just nearly died and somehow Edge is still out there and everything is just getting much too big, or maybe she is getting smaller, and maybe it doesn’t matter because in the end she is just left like this: scared.

“Right, I’ve got some work to catch up on; so would you two mind?” She gestures vaguely at the door. She sees Kara frown at her words, begs her silently to let this go. To let her be.

James excuses himself immediately, gives her a small one-armed hug and exits her office. But Kara stays next to her, unmoving, frown still in place.

“Kara, I’d really like to be alone right now.” Even to her own ears, her voice sounds panicked and she takes a deep breath to steady herself, to not start crying right now. In all honesty she doesn’t know whether she’d be able to stop. It might just overpower her, turn her into more scream than human, make her feral with it.

“Doesn’t mean that you should be,” Kara replies. She keeps her voice even and soft but her eyes are determined, chin slightly raised, prepared to fight her on this.

“Kara-“ her voice is tight and she doesn’t like the sound of it and she doesn’t like that she is saying Kara’s name like this, in this voice that belongs to her mother but she can’t help it.

“Lena, I know what you’re doing…”

“I-“

“You’re afraid, I know you are. And I’m not going to leave you alone with that. When will you understand that I’m gonna be here for you, no matter what, no matter how dark it gets?”

“Kara, I just..-“ She tries again but her voice is cracking somewhere on Kara’s name and she is just too tired to deal with this right now. She is just so tired if feeling like this. “I-“ she starts again but she can’t seem to catch her breath anymore and her knees are giving out underneath her and before she knows what’s happening she is sitting on the floor, cradled in Kara’s lap while her body is being torn apart by sobs. She doesn’t quite know who’s doing the holding on anymore because Kara’s arms are around her waist, keeping her steady, anchoring her there. But her own arms are gripping the fabric of Kara’s blouse to tightly she can see her knuckles go white with it. Maybe they’re both holding on. Maybe that’s okay.

Kara doesn’t speak during any of this and Lena is glad she isn’t trying to shush her, isn’t trying to tell her that things will be okay. Things are not okay. She is not okay. Okay doesn’t sit on her office floor sobbing on a Monday afternoon. Okay doesn’t feel her lips split from the bite of their own teeth. Okay doesn’t leave mascara stains on her friend’s blouse.

She feels her throat constrict around a scream and feels her teeth bite down on it, swallow it down until nothing is left but a small whimper that dissipates somewhere against Kara’s neck.

When she finally begins to feel things again, the first thing she becomes aware of, is Kara’s hands in her hair. She must have loosened the pony tail at some stage and is now scratching along her scalp with a gentle and soothing touch. The next thing, is the way Kara’s breath falls against her neck. It’s slow and steady and _normal_ and somehow it seems to seep into her because she finally manages to catch her breath and feels it return to normal.

Eventually, once she’s composed herself, she pulls away a little and looks up at Kara, who offers her a small smile. She searches for the pity in it. Searches for that look that says, _“what the hell have I gotten myself into here?”_. But instead Kara’s eyes are just blue and her smile is just a smile and Kara is just there.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, voice still hoarse from crying.

“What for?” Kara asks and Lena almost laughs until she sees that Kara thinks this is a serious question.

“For this…” she gesticulates vaguely and ends up pointing at the mascara smudges against Kara’s blouse. “I’m not usually like this…weak.” She spits out the word in a way that once again reminds her of her mother and she nearly feels sick with it until she feels Kara place a gentle hand on her back.

“Lena, this is not weakness okay? You nearly died, you’re allowed to feel something. You’re allowed to be scared.”

Lena looks up at her then, sniffles a little and smiles when Kara reaches up to the desk to fish for a pack of tissues. She blows her nose and wipes her face and briefly considers getting up, telling her that she’s all good now and to then go cry some more because Kara had to see her have a panic attack in her office. But when she looks at Kara, she can’t bring herself to get up, can’t bring herself to care, can’t bring herself to deny this comfort. There’s no shame here. Just Kara. And so she settles back against the desk, back brushing against the solid texture and feels Kara follow her, leaning against the desk, shoulders touching.

There is a long stretch of silence but it’s not uncomfortable and eventually she feels Kara place her head on her shoulder.

“I’m really scared right now, Kara,” she whispers, keeping her eyes trained forwards, not daring to look at her.

“I know. So am I.”

“I’m-“

“If you say sorry right now…” Kara leaves the threat open, but Lena still falls silent, until she can’t help herself and whispers a small, “I didn’t mean to pull you into this.”

“You didn’t.”

“I-“

“You didn’t, I just followed,” Kara shrugs a little and Lena can feel the small movement against her own shoulder. “That’s what friends are for. I’m gonna be here, but not because you force me to…It’s just that whatever is your fight, automatically becomes my fight, too, okay?  That’s how this goes, there are no sides. There’s just you and me, okay? We’re in this together.”

“You won’t leave?” she asks quickly, almost hoping that Kara won’t catch it.

“Not even if you ask me to,” Kara grins and turns a little so that Lena can see the way she winks at her to accompany her statement.

“I’m sorry for telling you to go.”

“Well, good thing I don’t listen.”

“Yes,” Lena whispers. A good thing indeed.

 

* * *

 

 

“My mother’s gonna try and kill Edge. She’s gonna do it tonight. I have an idea about how she’ll do it but I don’t have the whole picture. If we’re gonna save him, we’re gonna need to use my wit and I’m gonna need your help.”

“You got it.” The answer is simple but she knows that Kara is sure about this. She’s still here after all. Still in her office, still sitting across from her even after she’d told her about her attempt at murder, even after she had shown her this side of her that makes her think of Medea, of retaliation, of two hands trembling.

“Thank you,” she whispers back and Kara smiles at her from her position on the couch, that soft and sure smile that always makes her feel protected somehow.

“Now, are you okay?” Kara asks then. She is keeping her voice calm but Lena can tell she is worried about her.

“Yes.”

“Lena, you just saw your mother.”

“I know,” she replies and stares at her hands for a second. They are shaking ever so slightly. She hadn’t noticed it before, but now she clasps them together tightly in order to stop them from trembling.

She doesn’t really realize Kara moving again, until she drops down on the sofa next to her and covers her hands with her own, warmer, ones.

“It’s okay to be upset,” she whispers and Lena tries to swallow, tries to say anything at all but instead she feels herself leaning against Kara, feels her entire frame sag. Her head falls against Kara’s shoulder and she sighs a little, and finally begins to breathe again after what feels like a decade without it. It’s not a beautiful hug. It’s lopsided and it makes her sides ache a little bit with the way they are bent, but it’s soft and it makes her feel like she is going to be okay. Like things are going to be okay.

“You know, I am okay now.”

“Okay,” Kara whispers. Lena can feel the way her lips move against the crown of her head, their faint flutter.

“I wasn’t when I saw her,” she adds.

“Oh.”

“I was scared, not even of her, but of what she was saying, of what she was turning me into.”

“Lena-“

“Wait. I was scared but then… I came here. I stepped out of that elevator and you were right there and…” she takes a deep breath, “and I knew that I wouldn’t have to do this alone.”

“You don’t,” Kara says with emphasis and Lena finds herself leaning into her a little more, allowing her to hold most of the weight.

“I was scared you’d leave,” she admits eventually. Her voice is quiet now. Her tone that had previously been cold and detached, has now softened, has gone quiet in an intimate way that no one except for Kara has ever been allowed to hear.

“Why?”

“Because you are good and pure and I-“

“You’re trying, Lena.”

“I-“

“It’s enough,” Kara whispers, lips still ghosting against the crown of her head until she pulls back just a little so she can meet Lena’s eyes, “You’re good and you’re enough and you are so loved, okay?”  When she sees the way Lena tears up at this she just wraps her arms around her shoulders and pulls her into her. Lena’s head falls into the crook of Kara’s neck and she feels her heart beating, feels her breathing, feels loved. Loved. Loved.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It all happens at once. One second, she is running and the next, her mother is being driven away on a gurney, and she is left standing in the middle of a room left in shatters.

She looks after Lilian for a long time and she’s so lost in thought, she doesn’t notice Kara stepping up next to her. They don’t speak, only watch the way the police are cordoning the area off, the way dust settles on the destruction.

She feels Kara’s hand brush against the back of hers for a second. She turns her hand around slowly so that her palm is open and feels Kara’s hand slide into hers.

They still don’t speak. There is nothing left to say. No more words.

Lena leans her shoulder against Kara’s after a couple minutes, both of their shoulders are bare and she feels a shiver run across her back that isn’t altogether unpleasant.

“Okay?” Kara whispers eventually and she just nods and keeps on holding on to Kara’s hand. (Because the world is one hell of a big place to occupy right now without Kara’s hand in hers.)

 

* * *

 

 

She can’t sleep. She can still hear her mother’s words echoing off her walls like phantom whispers and they make her shiver, make her afraid to close her eyes. She kept the lights on but everything is too bright all of the sudden and her blankets are too stifling, too warm, and she can feel her hands begin to shake again.

She gets up without really thinking about it. She’s going to go to the office. Work has always been a steady companion and surely it’ll get her through this night.

When she gets into her car though, and her driver asks her where she’s going, she stays silent for a minute.

She thinks about Kara’s worried face when she had hugged her goodbye earlier. Thinks about the way she had looked so earnest when she had said, “call me, if you need me and even if you don’t, okay?” Thinks of the way she had felt, sitting on that sofa next to her. It feels ages ago but she can still feel the way her arms had wrapped around her. She still feels herself go soft with it.

Her phone vibrates in her lap and it’s a message from Kara, consisting of only one yellow heart emoji.

“Kara Danvers place,” she tells her driver then.

 

 xx

 

Kara doesn’t question her about it, doesn’t ask, just steps aside when she sees it’s Lena at her door. They do this now. They have sleepovers. Lena even has a pair of pajamas at Kara’s place that she has now changed into, after following Kara to her bedroom.

Kara’s already gone back to bed and after changing, Lena pulls the blankets back to slip in as well. Kara scoots over a little to make room and then props herself up on her elbow to look at her. She’s steading her head with her hand, effectively squishing her cheeks while she’s at it and Lena can’t help but think that she looks adorable, wrapped in rose-colored blankets, tousled hair and all.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Kara whispers.

“Thank you, for letting me stay.”

“You’re always welcome, you know that. “

“I do,” Lena assures her and turns to her back so that she is looking up at the ceiling.

She feels the mattress dip when Kara shifts her weight and scoots a little closer. She turns to face her and finds Kara’s face only inches away from hers, pulling a face, which causes her to startle a little bit and knock their noses together.

“Ouch,” she mumbles while rubbing the sore spot, hearing Kara giggle next to her. “You did that on purpose.”

“Maybe,” Kara laughs, “made you smile though.”

Lena turns to Kara so that she can direct her glare at her but when she finds Kara smiling at her, so pleased to see her smile, she finds that she cannot do it.

Kara turns to her back as well then, leaving both of them next to each other, staring up at the ceiling. They don’t talk, just revel in this moment of peace with each other. Kara eventually shuffles around a little and places her head against Lena’s, as she usually does on sleepovers. It’s a touch in the simplest sense, a point of contact. It’s a touch, only initiated in the name of being connected, in the name of saying _, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here._

“So how’s James?” Kara asks eventually, breaking the silence in the room.

“Good, probably still working.”

Kara hums something unintelligible and Lena responds by linking their fingers together, weaving hers though Kara’s underneath the blanket.

“I know that at some point we’ll have to talk about why I’m here and not with him right now,” she whispers into the room. She’s not sure what compels her to say this. They don’t usually talk about stuff like that. Maybe it’s because she nearly died. Maybe it’s because Kara’s hand feels warm and secure in her own. Maybe it’ just because it’s 2am and she’s tired and Kara is there with her.

“It’s okay,” Kara whispers back just as quietly, as if aware of how fragile this moment is, as if aware that any noise could break it.

“Do you like him?” Kara asks then and shifts a little so that she can glance up at Lena to gauge her reaction to this topic, to possibly change it, should it make her uncomfortable.

“I am very fond of him.”

“Good,” Kara nods.

“And I like how I feel when I am with him… confident…sexy, I don’t know, like CEO Lena, like a badass.”

Kara nods again and it’s Lena’s turn to pull back a little now. She props herself up against the headboard, effectively pulling Kara up with her who only grumbles a little bit at the movement. Lena thinks about what she wants to say next. Whether she wants to say anything at all. In the end she decides on the base of one simple thing: the way Kara’s eyes shine in the amber light of the room, the way it makes her feel inside, the way it makes her want to whisper secrets to her all night long if it means that she’s going to stay.

“But, you know what I said about emotional insecurity earlier?”

“Yes…”

“I’ve learned… not to love.”

“Lena-“

“Wait,” Lena interrupts her, desperate to go on, desperate to explain now that she’s decided to speak. “I just… I’m used to not opening myself up to people. I’m not used to being soft and I don’t know whether I can do it. I don’t know whether I can show him the bad parts, whether I can be that vulnerable with him.”

“Lena, you were open with me from the first moment I met you.”

“That’s because it was you,” she says, regretting the words instantly. They don’t talk about stuff like that. They’re friends. And this is definitely not friend-territory anymore.

“What?” Kara sits up straight now, folds her legs underneath her and looks at her. Really looks at her. (They’re still holding hands. Lena thinks she’s probably holding on too tight but Kara hasn’t complained so far and so she doesn’t let go.)

She briefly considers fleeing the room but now that she’s started, it’s hard to stop and so she decides to just power through this.

“You made it so…easy. You didn’t make me feel weak for being so open. You just made me feel like I was a person again. Not Lena Luthor the CEO, not the heir of the Luthor legacy, not like Lex’ sister, not like anything except for myself, just a person trying to be enough.”

She didn’t realize she was crying until Kara reaches out and brushes a stray tear away that’s made its way cascading down her cheek. “You made it so easy to be myself around you, to be vulnerable. It made me feel strong because I knew that no matter what, you’d be there, even though you knew me, all of me, even the dark parts so… it’s always been you, I guess that’s what I was saying, that’s what I needed to say.”

Kara opens her mouth but Lena reaches forward and brushes some stray strands of hair away and places her hand on her cheek, silencing her. “And I know that we’ll have to talk about that too…just not right now, okay? I think… I think this is all the truth I can handle right now.”

“Okay,” Kara nods, leaning into Lena’s soft touch and then turns her head so that she can press a gentle kiss into Lena’s palm. “But we’ll talk about it?”

“Yes,” Lena nods.

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Lena says with a smile.

“You do realize that I’m gonna ask to pinky swear on this right?”

And Lena laughs, soft and easy, and holds up her hand. She extends her pinky and waits until Kara locks hers around it and they shake on it.

“I pinky-promise.”

“Can’t be broken.”

“I know.”

Kara yawns then and slips underneath the blanket a little further, holding up the edge of it so that Lena can scoot underneath it too. She feels the fatigue pressing onto her eyes now, feels it heavy in her bones and so she has to force her eyes to open back up when she hears Kara whisper a soft, “for what it’s worth, it’s always been you for me too.”

And so, Lena falls asleep with only two words on her mind. Enough. Finally.

**Author's Note:**

> So i haven't edited this bc starting tomorrow i have 5 exams and i need to be studying so badly, it's actually not funny anymore. This wouldn't leave me alone tho so I wrote it really quickly and i hope it was enjoyable. I might edit this when exams are over, anyway gotta go now and try to translate two books of the aeneid in 5 days.... i'm having f u n!


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